Prepare your Relationship for Parenthood: ‘The 3 Triggers’

If you work hard to get your relationship with your partner in a good place before your baby is born, you will both reap rewards later.

Think sleepless nights and then juggling the nursery run when you are back to work…all this takes a huge amount of negotiation and give and take, often when you are lacking physical and emotional resources for stability.

The first trigger point can be in the early weeks following the baby’s birth, as you both grapple with the change you are facing (and the lack of sleep). New fathers often find it hard to be involved and feel ‘helpful’, especially if the mother is breastfeeding. This is often the time when family and friends descend on you – further stretching the dynamics.

The second trigger point is often when the father returns to work after paternity leave – perhaps not initially, but maybe after several months of being back at work. One reason for this is that the 2 worlds of home and work are very different, and not appreciating this difference can have an impact on the relationship with your partner. Within a number of weeks, you will quickly find that one of you remains deeply immersed in the world of ‘babyland’, whilst the other has to get back to working life.

Up until now, especially if this is your first baby, it is likely that you have both been working, and therefore facing a similar structure to your day. With the arrival of a baby, however, and the practicalities of 1 person having to go back to work, suddenly your daily routines are worlds apart. Consider the differences below:

Life at home with a baby can be:

 Unpredictable
 Physically challenging
 Exhausting
 Slow-paced
 Volatile
 Unstructured
 Cosy, safe, loving
 Lonely
 Fulfilling
 Baby-focused
 Focused on the day-to-day

Life at work can be:

 Routined
 Hectic
 Scheduled
 Structured
 Sociable
 Time-pressured
 Political
 Back-stabbing
 Rewarding
 Self-focused
 Strategic

Not only is it difficult to relate to each other’s daily lives, you may well fall into the pattern of dad doing the paid work; mum doing all the childcare and the chores at home. This may work well whilst you are on maternity leave, but be careful that you don’t set yourself up for continuing all of these responsibilities on top of your job when you return to work, because it can happen. This can then lead to the third trigger of stress on a relationship – the change in dynamics if/when you decide to go back to work.

The relationship you have with your partner can greatly affect your return to work experience.

Many women who return to work find that unless they can now share the childcare drop-offs and pick-ups and the daily chores at home, the stress of trying to ‘do it all’ will inevitably lead to break-point. If your partner isn’t supportive of your return to work decision (perhaps he holds the very traditional view of mothers needing to stay at home); this can feed any guilt or insecurities you are already facing.

Talk about your expectations of each other now, before you become bleary-eyed and emotionally-drained.